I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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