I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
