he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
