being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
