Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
