I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
