I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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