so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
