I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
