Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I did not marry a roomba.
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