he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
