My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
