Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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