I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She said her name was "party"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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