i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
