I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
