I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
