the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
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Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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