Do you still have your period?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Congratulations! We have a period
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
