I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
