Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
