So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
