woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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