Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
