I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
