so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
