please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
