All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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