I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
