Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
