i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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