She is in my trunk
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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