I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
