Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
