her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have feelings that need drinking.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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