There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
