Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
