My hand turned me down
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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