Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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