Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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