I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
