I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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