dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
