i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
