I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
