Pappa wants mamma naked
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
