The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I cut my penus on the lid.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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