my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
