Soap is not a condiment
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
