you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
