Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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