yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
