I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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