i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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