did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
