Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
