Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
